Wednesday, April 21, 2010


The U.S. Treasury is once again redesigning the $100 bill. Since this is the most counterfeited bill passed outside the U.S., the Treasury wants to make sure foreigners are reassured they are spending the most secure and complex deflated currency in the world.

Because counterfeiters are getting more sophisticated and have access to better computers, the new bill contains numerous new security features.
There also may be many unrevealed security features, but this article will cover the most obvious changes.

For one thing, the microprinting has changed.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke ordered the microprinting to now read “The United States of Goldman Sachs” so all foreign investors could be reassured as to who really runs America.

Along with the microprinting, there is a new blue security stripe containing microlensed images that move when you move the bill.
Tiny Liberty Bells change into 100s when you tilt the bill. As inflation increases, you can shake the bill and the 100s will automatically turn into 1,000s. If you turn the security strip upside down, the 3-D Liberty Bells turn into the blue aliens from Avatar. Additionally, if you manipulate the heat sensitive 100 on the lower right hand corner with your thumb, you can play Pac-Man - Ben Franklin’s head moves and gobbles up the Liberty Bells.

The bill contains an inkwell that is invisible when you tilt it one way but appears when you tilt it the other way, to represent how the Treasury has cooked the books of the United States Treasury. The inkwell is filled with red ink to represent our deficit. The Liberty Bell also appears and disappears in the inkwell, to symbolize freedom drowning in red ink.

Benjamin Franklin will no longer have a wrinkled forehead, thanks to micro-Botoxing of each bill.
If you fold the bill along his forehead, the fold will disappear when you unfold it, just like Demi Moore.

Rumored to be next on the security agenda - adding an iPhone app to the bill so you can call overseas to see how your money is doing.
Foreigners can also use the new currency as a coupon to buy a Happy Meal at McDonalds.

The Treasury was concerned about complaints that the older redesigned bills looked like monopoly money.
Due to the redesign, there will be no more such concerns since the bills now look like Las Vegas slot machine symbols. Everyone loves Las Vegas.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner’s electronic signature will grace the new hundred dollar bills, so that each time a consumer spends one, it will look like Tim is paying his taxes.

Not everyone is happy about the changes. Some think the changes are unnecessary since the U.S. government steals far more money from citizens than do counterfeiters. Another negative is that given the complexity of the security features and the cost of the licensing payments to Bill Gates, each new one hundred dollar bill actually costs more than one hundred dollars to produce. But President Obama is convinced the cost is worth it to stimulate the economy and that replacing the motto “E Pluribus Unum” with “Intel Inside” will stabilize the dollar in the long run.

Rush Limbaugh is still alleging the new bills will have a “Press 1 for English and 2 for Spanish” feature. The Treasury did not respond to that allegation, but fortunately, it appears there is no truth to the rumor that the Liberty Bell was to be replaced by the Taco Bell logo. U.S. Treasurer Rosie Rios allegedly stated in response to the rumor, “The U.S. bill must remain American. ¿Entienda, gringo? Ben Franklin nunca habló español.” Verdad, Rosie, Verdad.